whenever i feel like posting up.. i sit at my keyboard, at a loss of what to type. mainly because there're so many things on my mind, that if i just pour it out over here, without any historical background for your reference, you the poor reader might not make anything out of it, and trivialising my feelings.
i signed up for a clinical trial today. it pays good money, hopefully i would be accepted into the program after a medical screening come late july. i need the money, and its quite exciting to be taking some form of chemical that's been previously only been tested on mice. yes, my life has become that boring, jaded and filled with ennui, that i find this exciting. whats more disturbing, in my opinion is that i am hoping some complications would arise from this trial.
i might be a little out of whack lately. when im driving alone, sometimes i secretly wished that a drunken driver would swerve and hit my car and then that'll take care of the problems i've been having with the car. like coz its his fault, i could get everything repaired and stick him with the bill.
i'm cooped up at home, and i dont really ahve money to go out. im in a really realy tight spot financially and its driving me insane. going out costs money but if i stay home for another month, i'll explode.
i've had it with pretensious friends. some of them can be really good at times, but the saying really does come true. the more u know a person, the more there is to dislike about him. i've got a friend who likes to.. be in the right. or have a warped sense of righteousness. maybe im not putting in correctly but im really disgusted with the way he's trying to potray himself to others. i wished i wasnt privvy to his inner self. maybe that way, i wouldnt be burdened with this chore of having to put up to his, sometimes, obnoxious persona.
i have another close personal friend whom i recently find very annoying, because this person only likes to talk about one thing and one thing only. and if anything is wrong with his day, it has to be because of that one thing. it gets quite boring u know.
recently my colleagues at work wrote an appraisal for me. im touched and surprised by what some of them had written, and even embarassed for the high regard some of them have of me. all i can say is that it pays to be humble and treat everbody as your friends even if it means putting yourself on a lower plane. or at least make yrself appear to be doing that.
another nigging thought. wat's this about officers and all. i cant believe they get paid in excess of 1000 bucks a month.
they are pencil pushers, and they earn 400 dollars more thn i do?! what the fuck man. i mean what the fuck
im trying to break out from my circle of friends. nothing as bad as it seems, i love my current pals and all but sometimes, i need the variety. like for instance, i hung out with janice, a friend whom i've known for 6 years, but the ironic thing is that i've hung out with her more in the past 2 months thn the previous 5years and 10months. change is good. change is welcome.
another point i realised is that all the girls i know are from my, to borrow a friendster term, 2nd degree circle. two factors attribute to this. 1, im in a very male-centric workplace - the fucking army. 2, i went to the poly instead of jc. now the girls in poly, especially singapore polytechnic, most especially, engineering faculty, are dogs. oh there are a couple of gems here and there, like 1 in a 1000, but the rest are frankly, dogs. so there u have it, 2 most important reasons why i dont have a large circle of female friends. oh, that and im shy. lethal combination for my social life i tell you.
speaking of which, i dont know why some people choose to sign on in the army. its like fucking living in a monastry, except its worse. sure the pay is good, but fuck it man.
ocassionally, iim quite tired of jamming - coz its the same old style week after week. right now, im looking for someone wwho can jam with me the entire Enema of the State album.
im so tired... not physically, but mentally and emotionally. its one of those times when i fall into a great depression. how do i describe my feelings now.
i feel unappreciated.. and useless even. like no matter how hard i try, the world keeps outgunning and out-manouvering me. its a i cant win mentality. i just want to give up sometimes. face it, thre's always gonna be someone who's better looking, richer, more talented, smarter, luckier (that's the worst), fortunate, or one step above the ladder, than i am. so sometimes i wonder why do i even bother. i should become a recluse or a hermit.
drained.
hello everybody.. i finally know what makes me happy - reunions.
feeling like another crappy sunday, i decided to find out andrew's digits since i've lost his home number and his handfone isnt responding..
i drove down to his place, having to drive through little india. MAN.. its a real SWARM of people there.. and they cross the roads. HAH! they just do it en masse!
i kinda forgot on which floor does druz live in, so i tried 9th first.. (i knew it wasnt a high storey, but neither was it too low) and i recogized his aluminum grilling immediately. and just to confirm my suspicions, there outside his door was a bottle of PuROL powder. ahh andrew.. extoling the virtues of purol.
nobody answered the doorbell so i thought of just leaving a note by the door... before i left i gave it two more rings for good luck and drew opened the door in his I LUV STPATS p.e. tshirt. haha how apt right! and he said he was just looking at his old sec school photos. man.. the coincidences.
we had a good long talk.. about old friends, how we would all love to leave singapore but hate to leave the people we know, about how education should be, and wushu. haha
i've always enjoyed my conversations with him greatly.. i always come away from them with a different perspective. and drew is probably a sage or philosopher in his previous life.. i can almost say he's wise!
pity he might be going to london to stay and work and do his art stuff over there.. and druz is probably one person who's most dedicated to his craft of drawing and art. i mean he does nothing at all but draw and sculpt and wushu. he doesnt have a pc, or net access, nor a girlfriend. i mean, that is most admirable. i cant even leave the net alone for 2 days when i start to have cravings.
im gonna visit him at his workplace one day. at a cafe behind taka.
so after andrew, i met kevin for a chat at mac's.. he regaled some funny stories about his navy life and girls in other countries.. afterwhich we went for a little golfing with limas.
oh. i went clubbing on friday. and they had this lucky draw thing.. so during the course of the evening the dj was reading out the names of the 10 winners, one by one. and when it came to the last winner, just before the dj announced the name, i turned to jc and said "confirm me!"
and it really was! haha its quite cool how these few days coincidences have been piling up. kinda makes me think of the book Girlfriend in a Coma (douglas coupland).. maybe something big is gonna happen. mmm
stay tuned. this is probably another one of those long blogs i've not done in a long long time..
what else is there to write if my life is so boring
