ever thought about not thinking

maybe the reason for my melacholy has got something to do with meeting up with my ex again. it would've helped to see her not doing so fine, which is i admit, very selfish and mean of me. but seriously, which of us likes to see our ex-other-halves having a good time without us? especially when we're not doing very well to begin with. its only underscoring the fact that she's still able to have fun without you, and that you're only a temporary road stop in her life

posted by stark @ 4:04 AM 0 comments

it happened again. i wrote a whole fuckload and it got fucking lost when i hit the fucking "POST & PUBLISH" button.

i fucking hate it. i will have to summerise what i have written

basically i've realised i've been doing things in solitude. in fact, im doing things alone by choice. somehow i prefer to go about doing things on my own nowadays. playing scrabble, swimming, going to cafes alone to read a book. i wonder why i am doing so. maybe its a phase. maybe im trying to come to terms with something. but the funny thing is i dont know what i have to come to terms with. and if i dont know what i have to face, i will never face it. i will turn into a recluse. a hermit.

jc's birthday today (happy birthday bro!). it so happened that during the birthday dinner, my ex turned up. she looked just as i remembered her, which was painful to recall, since it was memories of a happier nature. we didnt speak to each other at all. in fact i dont think we've spoken to each other since the last time i tried to patch things up with her but was unsucessful. i would really like to hang out with her again, but i dont think now's a good time. its funny how i still feel pained whenever i recall what happened after our breakup. it's a hurt only felt when you realised you're still actually holding out hope for reunion, but she go does something which she had every right to do so, since you two have already broken up, only that it is painful to find out. cos to you, you've never stopped being with her. its like a sour feeling in the pit of your being whenever you think back to the time you found out she slept with someone after you two broke up. and its worse when she slept with someone whom you've been introduced to before. i cant explain why. i lack to mental fortitude to describe the gamut of emotions running amok inside me. but you can see where i am going. cos to me, i'd like to patch things up, but she had to go do something that well, twists the knife inside of me, to quote a portion of a song by Aerosmith.

posted by stark @ 3:54 AM 0 comments

a thought:

dont take my silence as a clue /
all the time i've waited here for you /
when this scene is all acted out /
i hope i can leave without a doubt /
//
have you ever wondered out /
the plan the higher powers had adopt /
will you ever get to hear the knock /
that opportunity is giving you /
//
what would happen if i had told the truth /
but even if i did, what is the use /
maybe i might have been too obtuse /
maybe some things i am meant to lose /

posted by stark @ 7:18 PM 0 comments

i remember, yesterday whilst driving home at four in the a.m., i kept drifting in and out of consciousness. thankfully i arrived home in one piece

just returned from a trip down town. G wasn't working at the arts shop today. or perhaps she was but didnt stay for the closing, a thought i echoed with andrew. so that's two opportunities i vowed to take, that's been taken out from my grasp. powerless. when life conspires against you, the best bet is to take cover and hope for the best. although life and hope are pretty close friends.

posted by stark @ 12:34 AM 0 comments

werider things have happened but i must say what is it about being in a relationship that is so different from being friends? pressure to make things work out? pressure coz you'd be dealing with emotions instead of feelings? someone unfamous once said the person who says his girlfriend is his best friend probably never had any friends at all.

i disagree totally.

but when both parties are such indispensable friends, wouldnt going into a relationship jeopardize everything? hereby i am presented with a quandary. i'd prefer it if my my girlfriend was also my best friend (best, in this case, doesnt mean singular. one can never have too many best friends, but it is morally frowned upon to have a plethora of girlfriends). that way, things would be so much more comfortable. however, there's this instance of breaking up which usually places the friendship within death's grip.

life loves to put me down whenever im prepared for something. take for instance this morning. at church. where i made up my mind to finally ask someone out. but someone didnt turn up. only in retrospect did i realise she usually attends masses on alternate sundays (ponderous point). as always, i've felt let down. but perhaps its just my eyelids dragging down the curtains on the great life story.

sleep and later

posted by stark @ 1:01 PM 0 comments

what use is it if you have good taste in women, but women dont have good taste in men?

posted by stark @ 6:48 PM 0 comments

"money and good looks are but shallow things. but pure entertainment value stands the test of time"

play away!

oh, i went for victoria's acoustic set. boy, could that girl SING! her guitar work isnt too shoddy either, with andrew commenting she has an eric-claptonesque way of manipulating her guitar.

i must jam with her.

posted by stark @ 1:32 AM 0 comments

REJECTION

this would effectively be the first entry.

4am. i just had a very long and very stimulating conversation with andrew about happiness and pleasure, choice and morality. surprising how we got to the subject.
"how did we start?", one might enquire.

ah. its all started with rejection.

those who arent too familiar with me, let's just take for instance i've been going after a certain member of the opposite sex.

let's also assume, that the entire episode didnt play out as anticipated. ( i received a handshake deal. a very novel twist to the "let's be friends" line i must add. ladies, if you have not added this to your repetoire of cruel rejection lines, take note. more on rejection lines later )

so we began our meandering conversation, as usual, over a cup of milk tea, which at $1.30, kinda grates both of us the wrong way.

but i digress.

we realised after a quick discussion, that the direct effect of having too much wealth transforms someone into something quite unalike. if you happen to belong to the upper echelons of society, i do apologize but this is a free world and my observations are just as good as yours. so bite the bullet. anyway. those of us who are in the middle classes will understand what i mean. take someone whom you know, personally, who also happens to be rolling it in. they just happen to use their money to buy other people's time, thereby packing in more of life's experiences into every single picosecond of their lives as compared to someone poorer.

example: poor man washes his own car. rich man hires poor man to wash rich man's car. whilst car is being washed, rich man takes scuba diving lessons. rich man accomplishes two goals (car washed, scuba dives) within the same time as the poor man (washed car).

(at this point, something fucked up and my addition writings weren't posted up. i need a better net connection. i'll try to re-type what i had in mind, but it is pretty trying, consider the fact that it is 430 in the am. and i am not particularly known for my memory.)

i tend to veer disasteriously off-topic. i am very sorry if you had to wander through my meandering triaids

posted by stark @ 4:19 AM 0 comments